An Identity that Stands Up Against ED

 

You know the moment when something happens and you just can’t take it anymore?  

You were having a hard time holding it together, but then something happens and it pushes you over the edge.

This happened to me a couple of weeks ago at work when I had to give a big speech.  

Plus, the next day I was sharing my ED story publicly for the first time at a NEDA Walk.

ED & the Gang came out in full force!  They all started talking at the same time.

Conversations went something like this...

ED: You know if you were thinner you’d be in control and you would be a better Executive Director. Since you are fat and unattractive you will do a terrible job giving your speech.  How can you get up on stage and show your face.  You should be so ashamed.  

Mr. P: You are an awful speaker.  Who do you think you are?  

Ms. P:  Well, since you are fat, ugly, and an awful speaker, you shouldn’t do it at all!  It’s all or nothing.  Being perfect is the only way to do it.  

Of course they are all talking over each other.  Then they start telling me what I should be doing.  They all come together to say the same thing…

BINGE...ESCAPE...NUMB...ISOLATE...

Before recovery, I had no way to fight back these attacks.  This verbal abuse is relentless and hurts to the core.  In Recovery, I have the tools and experience to know I can do battle with ED & The Gang.  

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The key has been

• my faith

• remembering where my identity is found.

Both have been essential in winning the battle against ED & the Gang.  

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ED & The Gang tells me there's only one way to be happy and that is to strive after what society, Hollywood, and the media says is beauty and success.

 

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Experiencing the love and grace of Jesus silences the voices!  Before I only knew about His love and grace but now I experience it.  

David G Benner in his book, Surrender to Love, explains it this way...  

“It took me a long time to begin to know God through my heart and not simply my head.”

He goes on to say,

“It demands sufficient basking in this love that being deeply loved becomes the foundation of your identity.”

As I spent more time with Christ,

He showed me He is the Father who is running to me.

He reminds me my looks, performance, and works can’t give me my identity.  

What a relief to experience His grace and to feel the assurance that my identity comes in who HE is and has nothing to do with ME!

It’s like I can breathe again.  ED & the Gang have no power against this truth.  I am no longer paralyzed by the thought of standing up in front of a crowd of people. 

You see Jesus reminds me He is the one who created me and called me to my work, so He finds me beautiful and will equip me to do my job.  

My identity is not attached to how I look or perform.  He is my identity!

In my mind, I see Him standing behind me at the microphone and holding me up.  He tells me I am extravagantly loved and it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks or says.  

This particular video has been very helpful in my identity journey!

Where do you find your identity?

 

How does ED want to define your identity?

Transitions with ED & The Gang

Transitions have always been difficult for me with ED, especially when returning home after a trip.  I’m not sure what about it is so tough, but I’ve heard I’m not alone in this struggle.

Recently, I returned home from the Dominican Republic where my husband and I spent a week at an all inclusive resort to celebrate our 10 year wedding anniversary.

View from our balcony in the Dominican Republic

The typical struggle started on our flight home.  

We landed about 25 minutes early to catch our second flight home to Columbus.

 I was excited to arrive early because we only had 1 hour to get through customs, grab our luggage, go through security again, and catch the next fight.  

The gate assigned to us was occupied so we sat on the plane for about 40 minutes.  Now we had even less time to catch the next flight.  

We made it, but it was one VERY stressful 45 minutes.

I could feel the desire to Crash & Burn slowly creep into me as I sat on the second flight home.  

Ed told me I would feel so much better if I would drown my stress in food.  He told me I needed to eat and isolate from the world.  

Then I would feel better.  

But I remembered the thousands of times where I have listened to ED and realized that to follow his instructions would only lead me into a deeper pit of despair.

I decided there on the plane that I was going to use the skills I had developed to fight ED & The Gang.

 

 

I got out my journal and started writing.  I asked myself these questions….

 

 

As I began to write, I realized I was experiencing a lot of emotions from our layover.  It felt so good to acknowledge the stress and that I was upset for not handling it better.  

I offered myself grace, reminded myself I’m human, and told myself I don’t have to have it all together.  

By the time the flight landed I was at peace and the urge to binge and isolate was gone!

I had several times where the urge to Crash & Burn came along the days following our trip.  I didn’t always respond to these urges correctly, but I didn’t give in to a complete Crash & Burn.  

Progress not perfection.  

This transition gave me the opportunity to strengthen my healthy coping muscles so they are stronger for next time! 

Do you find transitions hard?  If so, what about them is difficult for you?

 

My Story (The Short Version)

I’m so glad you stopped by.  Pour a cup of coffee or tea and let’s get to know each other!  

My name is Kassandra and I am in recovery from an eating disorder. It started when I was in junior high and got progressively worse through high school and college.

I thought if I could be thin and beautiful then I would be happy and life would be perfect.

I found myself turning to food in order to cope with the difficulties in my life.  Binge eating disorder or BED became my abuser over the years and grew and grew until it took the joy out of life. I am also in recovery from Orthorexia Nervosa.

I couldn't let anyone know because my perfectionism, Ms. P told me I had to have it all together.  I wanted to be free from my eating disorder or Ed as I call him but the harder I tried the worse Ed got.

I experienced deep hatred for myself and my body.  It felt like I was lying on the ground with a 2-ton rock on top of me. My life was an endless cycle of binging and dieting.  

Freedom from Ed felt hopeless.

Five years ago I realized I couldn't keep living like this. I hit bottom and started to reach out for help.  Now I have a support team of people who have assisted me in my recovery. Ed lied.

Slowly and very painfully the rock that was crushing me began to be chipped away. Ed told me recovery was impossible, but as I stopped listening to his lies the impossible started to happen.  

One of the biggest things that made a difference in my recovery was reaching out and getting professional help.  I got into counseling and started working with Erica Cushion, a dietitian who specializes in eating disorders.

An unexpected part of my recovery has been my dog, Moosie, who has supported me in this journey.   And recently my husband and I adopted Keira, the cutest 5 pound Yorkshire Terrier.

 

 

I'm thankful to my family and friends who have supported me.  Particularly my husband, Kevin, who always believed freedom from Ed was possible for me. 

I am still on my recovery journey but now I can enjoy getting up in the morning and living life.  There's not this constant gray cloud hanging over my head.  It’s like I’m seeing color for the first time.  

If I can be in recovery then it's possible for anyone!  

I started Authenticity & Grace to tell my story so you know you aren’t alone and don’t have to struggle as long as I did.  I look forward to the day when I can say “I’m recovered” and you can too!  

I’d love to hear your story!  Contact me here!